i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Farmville is her only friend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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