I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
