I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
