Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
