Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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