I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
