awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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