just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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