The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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