What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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