you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
