Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
