I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
