my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
we should paint friendship bongs
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