theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
