we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
