I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
