Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
