Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
