We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
