did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
