my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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