i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
