just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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