Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
