Cold hands, warm shart.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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