I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
