I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
