I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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