Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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