I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
