We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
as a side note pls kill me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
