Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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