Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
