someone threw a dead crab at me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
