The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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