I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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