Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
