When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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