wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
