if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i've created a new STD.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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