there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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