Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
