he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
