why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
