In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just high enough for therapy.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
