my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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