I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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