Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
