So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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