There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
