I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
