I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
